Dare to dream!

Just came back from watching latest Manju Warrier movie- "Udaharanam Sujatha". As someone who  lived in Thiruvanandapuram, the beginning of the movie evoked such nostalgic feelings in me, I was almost in tears. The opening song sequence and the scenery were so touching. With a little drag in the first half, movie picked up speed and was highly engaging in the second half. As the movie progressed, actors vanished and only the characters remained on the screen.

“There are people who won’t take you seriously. They might scorn at you and discourage you. Ignore them all. There are only few who can understand your dream and stand by you. Stay close to them and hold them dear to your heart. They will cherish your dream and help you achieve it”  is the sort of advice Sujatha gives her daughter, who up until that time, was a stubborn teenager who went about her life without much care about anything in her world. She was fed, clothed and sheltered.  The fact that her father died four years ago, that her widowed mother is working around the clock to make ends meet didn’t matter to her. She is happy in her world, enjoying the life without any plan for the next day, let alone the future.

What can a parent do to motivate a capable child? How can they bring a direction to their children’s life? How capable is a parent to dream for his or her child? These are all questions Sujatha grapples with herself.  Luckily for her, she had a guide who would help her navigate through this, the person whom she works as a domestic help. She also gets impressed by a young lady who makes a difference in people's life. Fate brings her face to face with this young professional and makes her think of her daughter's future.  The day she took the ride in collector mam’s car, looking out through the window; she saw the city in an entirely new perspective and her dream for her daughter took shape. She was the kind of mother who would go to any length to materialize what she wished for. This movie can inspire the young and old alike.

The kind of social mobility that is possible if people can seize the opportunity that is available to them in our country is often not spoken loud. K.R Narayan and APJ Kalam are only a few such examples of people who had humble beginnings yet didn’t let their environment define their path. Perhaps, before teaching them mathematics and science, schools need to instill in children a sense of confidence and trust that they too can claim their future, that the birth doesn’t define their destiny, that the education system will level the playing field for them. Think about how many Athira Krishnan’s would have lost their battle much before they started if they didn’t have a mother who persevered in helping her daughter dream.

Having someone who believes in the child is perhaps the greatest gift that child can have. As for the lonely mother, being able to look up to someone for guidance is a true blessing. We can see many people willing to help if we seek it. As a community, we have a responsibility to help young parents bring up their children by giving them various training to deal with the pressures of parenting, providing a place where young children can spend time after school productively, and instilling in them a sense of responsibility. The schools can provide platform for people who are accomplished to give back to community by mentoring  such young children. We can put these young children's talent for the betterment of the community. I hope movies like this give out the best ideas to people around, instead of this being a story of one isolated incident where someone become successful and put down a section of our society. 

Communicating with your College Kid

-         a guide for parents who are a bit neurotic

Preparing to send off kids to far away colleges is a stressful time for both parents and kids. It is a transition time for parents from being able to know about their life on a daily basis to not knowing much about them for a while. From a constant communication to almost not hearing from them for a chunk of time.  For kids- suddenly there is no one hovering over them and they have to navigate through their new life. Talking to friends and different mom’s group’s help you learn what to expect.  Here are things I have heard and things I have learned from my experience.

No news is good news. This is a phrase you will hear again and again and you will need to make it a Mantra of your life.  During the parent- orientation, one of the parents who were on the panel told us not to take offense if we don’t hear from them very often.  College kids are busy with getting to know the campus, people and trying to be part of clubs and activities that helps them figure out who they are as individuals. They are also busy trying to forget the life they have left behind and build another one their own. So if you don’t hear from them, don’t take it personally. The chances are, they are doing fine. Remember, no news is good news.

Initially text messages between me and my son went something like this.

7:47 AM

Amma: Did you have breakfast?

8: 32 AM

Amma: what did you eat for breakfast?

9:40 AM

Amma: when is our first class?

10:32 AM

Amma: Where are you eating lunch?

11:47 AM

Amma: Did you call your grandfather?

12:30 PM (at which point, I desperately wanted to know if he is alive and nothing else J)

Amma: Hi dear, good afternoon

Achu: Hi hi good afternoon (immediate response)

So the point is, if you want to get a response, do not ask questions that call for some form of thinking, you won’t get it. Instead wish them good morning or good afternoon, they will respond. This way you will know they are alive.

              One of the best ways to keep your anxious mind calm is to acknowledge that you have raised a responsible kid who will make the right choices in life and let go. You can also learn yoga or Pilates, or do meditation to alleviate stress and trust that they will be fine and go about your life. You could also get a dog (which many of my friends have done), start a hobby, learn something new and keep your mind off the college kid. But if all of the above didn’t help and you tend to be a bit neurotic like me, there is internet- you can make use of social media.  Check the Facebook last sign-out time to know they are fine. Use google talk to keep track of when they were last online. Look at the snap chat window to see when they were active the last time. This will give you some peace of mind.

When you visit college, the idea that the dorms are coed where the girls and boys share the same bathrooms are a bit unsettling first. But be thankful to the girls in college. You will develop a deep sense of gratitude to these girls as their photos become your life line in the coming years. The photos they are going to post in social media are the only ones you will see of him until he comes home for winter break. So thank them from the bottom of your heart and thank their parents for raising such vivacious girls.

The best thing to do is not to enquire how they are going to spend the weekend. But if accidently you came to know he is going for camping, try to collect the phone numbers of some of his friends who is going along. You may have to promise him that you will only use the numbers in case of absolute emergency to get those numbers, but having the number will give you a sense of secure feeling. And when your son is out on the camping trip, resists your temptation to browse the local newspaper in the camping area. Also stop checking social media for “last seen”. Most camping sites don’t have internet access. In order to keep your mind off the trip, you can invite some friends over and have some wine, or you could also plan a trip to a nearest camping site with your hubby and some close friends. Whichever way you choose, for the first time in your adult life, you will want Monday to come as quickly as possible. In any case, by Sunday night you will desperately want to search the social media for traces of your son’s latest activity and will be panicking a little to see he has not been active after Friday. At this point, you have an urge to call the police, but do check the fb for one last time and if fate has spared you making a fool of yourself, you will spot your son quickly. The point is: have patience and do something other than thinking about your college student and panicking over the weekend. Make use of your valid time.

One day all of a sudden, they may actually give you their student ID and password and ask you to check something up for them online. Your first instinct may be to say no and ask them to do it their own. Resist it and help them by all means.  You just got another window to their life.

The most important thing is to learn to let go. It is difficult; but the faster you are able to do it, the better your life will be!

* my friends who have girls in colleges usually have mostly similar experiences, but they do tend to call more often than boys, especially when they are facing an issue. Boys tend to not share as much as girls do. It is my observation in general but individuals may differ.