REDEFINING MY PARENTING ROLE

 

"Amme, stop making me your hobby" my son's firm voice pierced through my ears. As usual, I was trying to micromanage my son's activities and studies. This time, by forcing him to join one of those SAT study sessions that run on weekends which he had no interest in. And of course, I wanted to make every thing perfect in his world and didn't want to leave any thing for chance. Not waiting for my reply he added " You can't buy my time like that. Besides, you should have a hobby other than me". I have known from early on that my son is a strong willed person, so arguing with him is of no use. I tried to plead, then bribe and then offered him that instead of signing up for classes, he can think of conducting study sessions at home. That is when he asked me to back off and get a life of my own.

 

OK.let me admit; I didn't have a life of my own. My life revolved around my son for the last 17 years or so. Like any child, he was an absolute pleasure to be around and absorbed every thing around him like a sponge. As a teacher who was then jobless, he was a perfect student I could dream of. So I experimented with him all I could about learning and teaching. Plus, the uncertainties in our life at that time kept him out of school until he is almost 6 years of age. So I home-schooled him! Soon, it was a full time job for me. I continued this even after he joined the school. At the same time, he has shown strong independence whenever I tried to go overboard. Often he left things he didn’t care that much to me and took control of things he cared about. But he was there you know, with his little fingers wrapped around my arm when we went for walks and grocery shopping, to talk to me and give me company in a distant land. In fact he kept me going.

  

So towards the end of last academic year when the college planning was going on, I started getting panic attacks to an extend I rushed to emergency care and reported I was about to die, twice. Mean while, I was also witnessing a powerful transformation in my son. As the senior year was coming to a closure, by acquiring a driving license my son established a kind of independence that took me by surprise and made me proud of him at the same time. No longer I needed to drive him around- it was happy news at first- no more 11 PM calls from him to pick him up from a friend's house or from an activity. But the feeling only lasted for a day - I started missing him and our conversations in the car, the only place teenage boys are forced to enter into a conversation with adults. I also worried where he was and with whom. I preferred the 11 PM call to this worry. His independence took a whole new dimension when he started his summer job. He kept himself busy during summer, spending time at work and with friends. His words that "YOU NEED TO HAVE A LIFE OF YOUR OWN " hung heavy over my head. This couple of months at the end of senior year and the summer prepared me so much for what has to come later. When we dropped him off at Berkeley late August, I was ready for that, may be a little more than my husband was.

 

Now, at times I strongly feel his absence, especially while grocery shopping. I get stuck seeing his favorite foods in the aisle and then realize we don't have to buy that for now. I notice his missing clothes while doing laundry. When we go out to eat, it is just two of us. It is not easy to get used to the fact that this is our new normal. But he appears on Skype once in a while, his text messages come in unexpected times to bring a smile on my face. I am reminded he is only a flight distance away from me. A prayer skip my heart to keep him safe and sound. I get humbled by the thought of many Moms whose children are drafted to war zones and Moms in the hospital bed beside children with terminal illness. Yesterday, replied to his " How are you Amme?" with " If you are happy and trying your best in every thing you do, nothing else matters, That is all I can ask for" to which my son replied- "Amme find out what makes you happy, join an exercise group, make new friends, I hate to think you are stuck in New Jersey with nothing much to do". I assured him with a new job and new place things are pretty busy here. But I realize that my life will never be the same and my role as a parent has changed forever. I am happy and content to see him growing up to be a responsible adult. Little do children know what makes mothers happy. Mothers are happy when their children are!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

College Admissions

Get a perfect test score, maintain a good GPA, actively pursue extra curricular activities you are interested in, you are good to go- this would be my idea about college admissions until my son embarked this roller coaster ride past year. Like US elections, admissions to US universities are also a long process - a never ending and often tiring journey that starts when the student set foot in ninth grade and ends up somewhere at the end of 12^th grade including eight months of intense activity during application season and then four to eight months of anxiously waiting for the decisions. At the end, what seems like a random pick for the rest of us, top colleges describe their admission approach a holistic one.

Confused by what the colleges are looking for, the high school students are in a whirlwind- keep a 4.0 GPA by taking as many advance placement classes as possible, perfect standardized test scores, participate in umpteen number of activities and have a social life. Most of my students in 11^th and 12^th grade get less than four hrs of sleep. After getting back from sports or other activities late at night to long hrs of homework seems to be a routine for most.  This in turn shows up in class as sleepy, distracted, unfocused learners. In my initial days of teaching here, I thought US students have it easy than their Indian counterparts. But as I got to know the system well, I came to realize that it is not true

Even when they have the scores and a perfect resume, the chances of admission to student’s first choice school is less than five percentages in most cases. Students feel somewhat helpless and “ not in control” when it comes to the admissions. As such the admission process is not transparent. This coupled with the marketing strategy most schools apply by making each individual students feel like they have a genuine shot at these competitive schools make it worse. So more people who are otherwise ineligible apply and thus the vicious cycle begins. Looks like things are going to get worse before it gets better.