-
a guide for
parents who are a bit neurotic
Preparing to send
off kids to far away colleges is a stressful time for both parents and kids. It
is a transition time for parents from being able to know about their life on a daily basis
to not knowing much about them for a while. From a constant communication to almost not hearing from them for a chunk of time. For kids- suddenly there is no one hovering over them and they have to navigate through their new life. Talking to friends and different
mom’s group’s help you learn what to expect. Here are things I have heard and things I have
learned from my experience.
No news is good news. This is a phrase you will hear again and
again and you will need to make it a Mantra of your life. During the parent- orientation, one of the
parents who were on the panel told us not to take offense if we don’t hear from
them very often. College kids are busy
with getting to know the campus, people and trying to be part of clubs and
activities that helps them figure out who they are as individuals. They are
also busy trying to forget the life they have left behind and build another one
their own. So if you don’t hear from them, don’t take it personally. The
chances are, they are doing fine. Remember, no news is good news.
Initially text
messages between me and my son went something like this.
7:47 AM
Amma: Did you have breakfast?
8: 32 AM
Amma: what did you eat for breakfast?
9:40 AM
Amma: when is our first class?
10:32 AM
Amma: Where are you eating lunch?
11:47 AM
Amma: Did you call your grandfather?
12:30 PM (at which point, I desperately
wanted to know if he is alive and nothing else J)
Amma: Hi dear, good afternoon
Achu: Hi hi good afternoon (immediate
response)
So the point is,
if you want to get a response, do not ask questions that call for some form of
thinking, you won’t get it. Instead wish them good morning or good afternoon,
they will respond. This way you will know they are alive.
One of the best ways to keep your
anxious mind calm is to acknowledge that you have raised a responsible kid who
will make the right choices in life and let go. You can also learn yoga or Pilates,
or do meditation to alleviate stress and trust that they will be fine and go
about your life. You could also get a dog (which many of my friends have done),
start a hobby, learn something new and keep your mind off the college kid. But
if all of the above didn’t help and you tend to be a bit neurotic like me,
there is internet- you can make use of social media. Check the Facebook last sign-out time to know
they are fine. Use google talk to keep track of when they were last online.
Look at the snap chat window to see when they were active the last time. This
will give you some peace of mind.
When you visit
college, the idea that the dorms are coed where the girls and boys share the
same bathrooms are a bit unsettling first. But be thankful to the girls in
college. You will develop a deep sense of gratitude to these girls as their
photos become your life line in the coming years. The photos they are going to
post in social media are the only ones you will see of him until he comes home
for winter break. So thank them from the bottom of your heart and thank their
parents for raising such vivacious girls.
The best thing to
do is not to enquire how they are going to spend the weekend. But if accidently
you came to know he is going for camping, try to collect the phone numbers of
some of his friends who is going along. You may have to promise him that you
will only use the numbers in case of absolute emergency to get those numbers,
but having the number will give you a sense of secure feeling. And when your
son is out on the camping trip, resists your temptation to browse the local
newspaper in the camping area. Also stop checking social media for “last seen”.
Most camping sites don’t have internet access. In order to keep your mind off
the trip, you can invite some friends over and have some wine, or you could
also plan a trip to a nearest camping site with your hubby and some close
friends. Whichever way you choose, for the first time in your adult life, you
will want Monday to come as quickly as possible. In any case, by Sunday night
you will desperately want to search the social media for traces of your son’s latest
activity and will be panicking a little to see he has not been active after Friday.
At this point, you have an urge to call the police, but do check the fb for one
last time and if fate has spared you making a fool of yourself, you will spot
your son quickly. The point is: have
patience and do something other than thinking about your college student and
panicking over the weekend. Make use of your valid time.
One day all of a
sudden, they may actually give you their student ID and password and ask you to
check something up for them online. Your first instinct may be to say no and
ask them to do it their own. Resist it and help them by all means. You just got another window to their life.
The most important thing is to learn to let go. It is difficult; but the faster you are able to do it, the better your life will be!
The most important thing is to learn to let go. It is difficult; but the faster you are able to do it, the better your life will be!
* my friends who have girls in colleges usually have mostly similar experiences, but they do tend to call more often than boys, especially when they are facing an issue. Boys tend to not share as much as girls do. It is my observation in general but individuals may differ.
