Tiger mom

There is no other book in recent months that got attention from all over US as Battle Hymn of Tiger Mother- read it or not, people talked about. The wall street journal article that appeared a few days before publishing the book was intimidating( must be publisher's trick). Soon we saw Amy Chua, the author of the book in many TV interviews where she was brutally attacked by the hosts of the show , judging her by her Chinese parenting style. Chua, an Yale law professor, was defensive first, but soon came across very convincing, modest and humorous. Most of the Asian parents don't dare to talk about their parenting in public. What Ms. Chua did was to just put that out there- daringly.. And this comes in a very crucial time-American students are falling far behind their international peers in basic academic skills. Every one in US knows that the public education system is crumbling and some thing needs to be done. Training teachers, changing curriculum and pedigree, introducing standardized testing, changing the classroom environment, every thing is being tried out in schools at high costs. There was a school, I read some where, invested money in an equipment that would pump oxygen into the classrooms when the oxygen levels go low, another school installed a new lighting system that would create an artificially set sun light in the room- all in the name of improving student achievement. As for the public, it is very convenient to think that the cause is out there. Since we are not responsible, we can finger point- they have to fix it. Who are they- no one knows.

It is at this time Chua's book about her experiences in raising two wonderful daughters hit the scene. She said, raising kids the 'Chinese way' (she uses the term Chinese loosely to mean any strict parent) means "not to let your kids attend sleepovers, have a play date, be in a school play, complain about not being in a school play, watch TV or play computer games, choose their own extra curricular activities, get any grade less than an A, not be the number one student in every subject except for gym and drama, play any instrument other than piano or violin, not play piano or violin". She continues to detail the difference between Asian parent and their western counterparts in "If a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. IF a child comes with a B on a test, some western parents will still praise the child. Other western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make that child inadaquate or insecure and they will not call the child stupid, worthless or a disgrace. Privatly, the western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have an aptitude in the subject or that there is some thing wrong with the curriculum and possibly whole school. If the child's grade does not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or call into questions the teachers credentials. If a Chinese child get a B, the devastated mother would get dozens or hundreds of practice tests and work through them with the child for as long as it takes to get the grade up"

To any parents who stress on individual freedom and let the kids choose their own path and most importantly don't say or do any thing that may harm their self esteem, this may seem as harsh and illegal. There is a fine line between positive push, setting high expectation and forcing some one to do things they don't want to do which Chua treads throughout and realizes at the end that she needs to back off.

In the book she didn't claim her method superior, she is learning as she goes like any other parent,leaving things that didn't work, adding new things that might work. At the end, she is a transformed person. I think that is how all parents are. Every child is different. One strategy may work with a certain child and may not with another. Anyone who has children or work with children knows it. So personally I feel Chua's powerful transformation at the end doesn’t signify the failure of a certain parenting method. This kind of situation may arise in any family irrespective of their parenting style.

What is different about Chua is that she is a very intense individual, when she commits to one thing, she pours her soul into it and probably assumed her children follow suit(incident where she set goals for the family dog comes to mind). In a full time teaching position at a well known University, publishing books in between(she has two other books on her credit), traveling around the world to give lectures, she puts in enormous time and effort in her daughters music lessons- some times in a strange way- leaving no breathing space for the child. Like this one

“ It wasn't easy for my end either. I'd be having office hours with my students, then suddenly have to excuse myself for a “meeting”. I 'd race to Lulu's school to pick her up, race to Kiwon's apartment to drop her off, then race back to my office,where there would be a line of students waiting for me. Half an hour later, I'd excuse myself again to return Lulu to school, then I 'd screech back to my own office for another three hours of meeting.”

She is taking her daughter from school in between when she “felt they wasted a lot of time at Lulu's school”. That would be a bit of extreme thing to do if she “could see that Lulu dreaded the sight of me every time I appeared at her school”. At one stage her own parents were warning that she is a bit too extreme with Lulu.

At the end, when Lulu starts rebelling, she backs off. She ends the book with a changed vision that a combination of both the world would be the best for the child.

This book is of particular interest to me for many reasons. When I started teaching here first, I was impressed by some of the highly motivated, self directed students who were the product of western parenting style. I always thought that no one can force a child to excel if the child doesn’t have the motivation to do so. Many of my students work ethic was contagious, There was no one hovering over them, they do things not because their parents want them to do or to please parents, They do things because they want to do it. No parental pushing can match this level of accomplishment. You can not force some one to be self- directed.

At the same time, some kids need a little push, little prodding from outside. If a child lacks motivation, a positive push and a highly involved parents can only bring in good result. Childhood being a time where they look for immediate self gratification, it is hard for them to see or plan for future, so it is a major parenting role to help them get through this phase and help them make their future. At the end, they don't blame parents for their failures.

At times, Chua's book made me feel like a lax parent, who isn't doing enough for my only son. May be this insecurity is what caused the anger of many parents against this woman. Amy Chua has hit a nerve very hard, and people felt disturbed to such an extend they showered death threats. Some people still think she should be prosecuted for child abuse. Meanwhile she is listed on the time magazines 100 most influential people in the world and her book is a best seller.